{this post by Jen Neitzel, originally posted on jenneitzel.com}
Competition is a tricky subject. In researching this topic I found so much data on the benefits of competition and about the toxicity that can come into play when competition goes too far. Competition has both good and bad aspects, depending on the situation and the people involved in the dance of competitiveness.
Wikipedia defines it in this way:
“Competition is a contest between individuals, groups, animals, etc. for territory, a niche, or a location of resources. It arises whenever at least two parties strive for a goal which cannot be shared. Competition occurs naturally between living organisms which co-exist in the same environment.”
“Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.”~ David Sarnoff
This quote spoke to me because I think it encapsulates both the good and bad that can come out of competition. I’ll be honest here and admit that I really detest competition: in friendships, in the workplace and in families. For me, even a little competition such as playing games, really doesn’t feel good to me. I even find the idea that someone might think they are better than one or worse than another troubling, but I digress.
“I have been up against tough competition all my life. I wouldn’t know how to get along without it.” ~ Walt Disney
Many people love competition: in sports, work and for some people, even in a healthy friendship, if it’s kept light and not malicious. Some people find competitiveness useful as a tool to challenge them, pushing them to new places. It’s been a long journey for me to even be able to see competition as a useful tool, but I’ve been working on my own response to competitiveness and trying to rethink the entire paradigm of competition as a whole.
“With competition everyone has to try harder.” ~ Harold H. Greene
In it’s place, competition can allow you to really hone in on your skills. In business this is especially true. Let’s say you have a business making doggy rain boots called Pup Puddle Protectors. One day you’re on Etsy and discover that someone else is making doggy rain boots with a nearly identical name. You might want to write them a nasty email, or consult a lawyer. If you haven’t patented your product, and even if you have, it will be tricky and expensive to follow through with legal proceedings. The most you can probably do, without lots of time and money, is send a cease and desist letter from your lawyer. Really, the best way to handle such a situation is to challenge yourself to find a narrower niche for your product. Maybe your doggy rain boots have a special clasp that keeps them on a dog’s feet better. Or maybe you choose really hip fabrics or materials and you sell your product as designer fashion for dogs. Competition in business can really help you narrow your focus so that you stand out in a crowd. Also remember that when you have a good idea, other people will want in on it, so a certain amount of competition will happen. Expecting it is to be realistic about the situation.
“Competition has been shown to be useful up to a certain point and no further, but cooperation, which is the thing we must strive for today, begins where competition leaves off. ” ~ Franklin D. Roosevelt
While some competition can be invigorating, sometimes it can cross the line and feel really terrible—it can feel malicious or threatening. Why is this person doing the same thing I do? Taking my business idea? Using the same information that I told them about to further themselves? Here’s the truth; this type of thinking will propel you down a rabbit hole of frustration, anger and hurt. It can tear apart friendships and create tidal waves in your professional life. Feelings of competition can take hold of you and leave you feeling pretty broken-hearted. Once you’re there you can fall into a place where you’re so worried about what your competition is up to that you cannot focus on what you’re doing. This is time consuming, feels bad and worst of all can distract you from your true path and where you’re going. Long story short, it’s not worth the trouble.
So, what can you do when you feel like someone is competing with you, or like you might want to compete with someone else?
“There are two kinds of people, those who do the work and those who take the credit. Try to be in the first group; there is less competition there.” ~ Indira Gandhi
First, you can breathe and reflect. Try not to react, this will only engage the competition further. For many of us competition can bring on a fight or flight response. If at all possible, don’t go there because it will only further enmesh you in the competition. Give yourself some space and time to process the situation. It doesn’t mean denying that the competition is true. It’s more about trying to make choices that help you overcome your feelings verses reacting and engaging in the competition. How do I know this? Through mistakes. We all make ‘em, but if we can learn from them they can be valuable lessons.
1. Ask yourself what is it that is really bothering you about the dynamic? Most of the time there’s an underlying reason. If it’s in business you might fear that your product won’t stand out as much and that you’ll have to work harder at finding customers, which could affect your bottom line. Maybe it’s an acknowledgement issue. You’re not feeling that the other person is acknowledging your part in their projects or in their success. Once you know the root of your feelings you can begin to address them.
2. Once you’ve determined the underlying reasons for your feelings, try not to make presumptions about what the person’s intentions are. They may not be trying to hurt you or take from you. They might be clueless about their actions. Maybe they admire you and are following your lead. Maybe they don’t even realize how closely they are following in your footsteps. Also remember, that even if you invented the first dog rain boot, it doesn’t mean that you can be the only person who can ever make it. We have to share. If that’s a given, that we must share to some extent, how can you make this work for you? Can you collaborate with your competitor in some way? Sounds crazy right? But if you’re working on a shared goal, you cannot compete in the same way. What can you learn from competition? There’s always a lesson hidden in there somewhere.
3. In business, finding ways to make your product or service stand out is important to eliminating competition. If it’s a friend that you’re experiencing competitiveness with, you need to assess if this is a person you want to be close to. If you want to keep the friendship, but avoid competition, something to realize is that every time you discuss your success with your friend, they will probably try to one up you. Avoiding talk about aspects of yourself and your accomplishments can help to ease the competitiveness in the friendship, however, this can be a challenge too. Most of us seek friendships where we can just be ourselves. If you’re having to hold back part of yourself to accommodate competition, it can take a toll on a friendship. But I would argue that it is possible to salvage a friendship after competition.
For me, the thing I learned from past competitive dynamics is that I always want to make people who have helped me feel truly appreciated and acknowledged. I go pretty far out of my way when someone tells me I’ve done a good job at something. I try to think, who else helped me succeed and then I tell the person, “Thank you. I couldn’t have done it without so and so. We’re a good team.” Or whatever the situation may be. The interesting thing I’ve found is that including others in your success actually feels better. You feel like a team and the people you include in your moments of praise are likely to want to praise you in the future.
{post by Jena Coray, originally published on Miss Modish}
I’m gonna tell you a little story about competition and resentment, something I’ve never shared out on the interwebs before because it’s kind of a touchy subject, but… here goes!
When I started Modish, almost 6 years ago now, I had a real issue with what I then deemed my “bloggy nemesis”. Someone else started a very similar blog to mine (at the time) very soon after I did, and it seemed like every move I made from then on- every new addition or change of focus or new idea for expansion I would try- she would do the exact same thing 2 months later, without fail.
It felt like she was constantly nipping at my heels and I just could. not. let. it. go. because, well, it was INFURIATING! APPALLING! ANNOYING AS SHIT!
After a few years of dealing with the same person “doing this to me” over and over again- a person that, mind you, I had never met, never spoken to, never even communicated with really- I became so consumed in my resentment toward her for “copying me”, for stealing MY ideas, for taking credit that was due to ME, for edging in on MY community of people and MY niche- on stealing MY thunder!
And then I read A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle (I wrote about this exact subject a few years back after I first read his book) and there was a particular passage in it that shouted at me and made me realize- all of that “MY MY ME ME” stuff was really just my ego getting in my own damn way.
Imagine that.
Our ego is the part of us that wants to be seen. To be recognized, acknowledged and appreciated. The ego is that part of us that wants to be FIRST! BEST! ONLY!
So when we start to compare ourselves to others, or get caught up in competition or rivalry, it’s our ego that feels the affront. And it tries to combat that “affront” by arming us with feelings of resentment, envy, scorn, hatred, powerlessness, diminishment. Our ego wants us to fight! To claim our territory!
But in reality, the only person I had been fighting with the whole time, was myself. The person who was receiving the most hurt and pain from these horrible, negative emotions, was myself. The only person who I was stopping from doing anything or keeping stuck, was myself!
When we try to keep score, keep up, get ahead, one up, be the best, be SEEN- we tend to focus all our energies on what our competition is doing, rather than on what we want for ourselves. We tend to lose sight of our own priorities and talents and direction and get derailed, ending up stuck in the muck and mire of our own negativity.
Now, looking back on that time as I was facing my “nemesis”, I honestly feel grateful for it because it spurred me on the path of finding my truest, most authentic way to present myself in this big ol’ world.
Competition itself is not the issue. It will always be there- in business, in relationships, in life. There will always be people around you who would rather duplicate, than originate, someone 10 steps ahead or nipping at your heels.
But they aren’t the problem. They will be forced to either fall off the wayside or find their own paths eventually, too… It’s how you perceive your competition, how you react to it, that changes how it affects your life.
From my experience, I’ve learned that competition doesn’t have to be an obstacle, it can actually be an absolute GIFT.
Competition is a spur for growth and an opportunity for change.
Competition helps you narrow-down, focus-in, refine.
Competition makes you strive, innovate and unleash your best efforts.
Competition helps you understand and uncover what is truly most unique about what you have to offer.
Competition strips superficiality and half-heartedness away, and sinks you down into your truest depths until you discover that what you’re putting out there is so uniquely and authentically you, that you have no real competition after all.
It can truly be a gift, if you just let yourself see it that way.
{this post by Jen Neitzel, originally posted on jenneitzel.com}
“What is happiness? The feeling that power increases – that resistance is being overcome.” ~Friedrich Nietzche
We all have it from time to time, the need to resist what “is.” Some of us have more resistance than others. We can often have resistance in some areas and not others. Resistance is very often coming from ourselves and our emotions. It looks more or less like living in a state of denial on a particular topic. Maybe it’s a lover who won’t give up on her love even though he doesn’t treat her right, or a person who refuses to acknowledge the negative impact that their job is having on their personal life. Most of the time resistance is an unconscious defense mechanism rather than an intentional plan.
Resistance can come to us for many different reasons; fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of being hurt, fear of losing something important to you, as well as countless other reasons. But it is fear and an inability to deal with the truth that is at the heart of the issue. It’s the idea that whatever we’re resisting is so big that we don’t feel we can handle the changes necessary to deal with the problem, because our ego won’t allow it.
What we resist must persist.
I know that I’ve had my fair share of times when I was unwilling to accept the truth about something. And let me tell you, the more I fought it the more miserable I was.
Resistance and misery tend to go hand-in-hand. Sometimes it’s a dull unhappiness. Other times it’s an out-and-out pain fest. We cannot accept what is, so we fight it. This usually leads to anger, frustration, hurt and an extended period of time being stuck in a place that feels really bad.
It’s ironic really, we resist to avoid feeling the pain or other negative feelings that we don’t want to feel, yet it’s the very act of resisting that exposes us over and over again to feelings that are negative.
The truth is, we aren’t able to save ourselves from pain. Just as happiness is part of the journey of life, so is pain. What we can do is move through hard times with our eyes open. We can stop resisting and surrender to what is. It’s only then that we begin to move forward through the fear and pain.
Yes, this can be scary and painful, but movement is the beginning of growth. We must walk through the hard stuff to get to the other side.
I’m thinking of the analogy of someone standing on broken glass. If you resist the fact that you’re in pain or standing in a dangerous place you might be able to talk yourself out of the pain, to some extent. However, you’ll continue to live with mild to moderate discomfort until you take the chance and walk through the glass.
There is no question, walking through broken glass is painful and scary. You’ll probably experience more pain while walking through the shards, but on the other side you’ll be out of it and ready to heal. The pain and fear will either go away or leave a scar as a reminder of the fear and pain you felt, and then you can put on comfortable shoes to protect your feet in the future.
No relief can happen until you take the leap and face the truth of the situation.
Getting through something that you’re resisting is always challenging, but how you think about it can impact how hard it is for you.
1. Observation – I really like Buddhist thinking around coping with negative emotions. The idea is that you observe your emotions rather than become your emotions. This is much easier said than done, but if you practice this technique you become better at it.
2. Awareness – As you become more aware of times when your ego is resisting something, you can start to see a time of resistance as an opportunity for change. When we can see what is in front of us, we can make choices rather than blindly making knee-jerk reactions.
3. Expectations – Expect that you will have resistance in your life. We all have resistance to something and a certain amount of resistance is good, in fact necessary. The need to resist hurting others – this is good resistance, but know that sometimes you will discover that your avoidance of something is hurting you or interfering with your growth. Know that you are like all of us; human, imperfect, learning, growing and becoming more awesome by the day.
All too often our thoughts and reactions are our biggest obstacles to the awesome that is awaiting us on the other side. I know dealing with resistance is really hard work, let’s not pretend anything different. The alternative, however, is to remain stuck in a place that isn’t working.
What will you choose? Will you deny the discomfort you feel from standing on broken glass or will you walk out of it and into a life that feels better to you?
As we get better at the practice of shifting our resistance, we open ourselves up to real change and the amazing opportunities that await us! Wishing everyone a little movement with your own levels of resistance! Good luck!
PSST! Are you ready to tap into your greatest opportunity to unleash your inner awesome? We’ve begun registration for The Catalyst Course! We have so much to share with you: tools, exercise and tips to get you where you want to go. Not ready to sign up for the course? Sign up for our mailing list and keep up with what we’re up to!
{this post by Jen Neitzel, originally posted on jenneitzel.com}
I’m thinking of a time when I knew I was going to have to speak in front of a large group of people and the fear that I felt from the moment I found out the news.
I was so honored to have been selected to speak at a conference last summer filled with strangers, friends and colleagues, but almost instantly I realized, I was really afraid to speak in front of such a large group. There were about 250 people in attendance. I spent nearly a month mentally preparing by going through a series of steps to shift my mind and behavior for the speech. The day of the event I was able to deliver my speech with the confidence I had hoped for. My confidence was authentic and real. In that moment I realized I’d not only delivered a good speech, but I’d overcome a fear. The fear of public speaking doesn’t hold the same fearful place for me anymore.
We all have fears about one thing or another, public speaking is a very common one. Other common fears that people have are; fear of failure, fear of not being accepted or more generally the fear of judgement by others. In some cases the fear is small and not as difficult to overcome, other times the fear is so great it becomes a phobia, or something that completely immobilizes us from getting where we want to go.
There are fears so great that it can be beneficial to seek therapeutic help.
1. The first question to ask when you start to feel fearful is, “Is this true?” Is my fear accurate? Am I worrying needlessly? Have you heard the acronym for fear? F-false, E-evidence, A-appearing, R-real. If it’s not true, shift your mind to the truth of the matter. Journaling can be a great way to accomplish this. If it is true, go to the next question.
2. Where is the fear coming from? Most of the time we have an old feeling behind the current fear. Think about other fears or times when you were afraid. Are they connected? If so, spending some time writing or talking with friends about how your fears are connected can be helpful in understanding the source of your fear and why it’s affecting you like it is. With some fears it’s obvious where it is coming from others are not so obvious.
3. Ask yourself, if I weren’t afraid, how would I behave? This is such an important question because for many people behaving the way you want to be can actually change how you feel. In a way your feelings catch up to your actions.
4. If you’re not quite ready to act, try writing about what you’d like to be able to do. Break it down into the smallest steps possible. When you’re ready do one of those steps and build your way through each step.
5. Remember that mistakes are part of learning. Be patient with yourself and trust yourself to grow. Remind yourself regularly and often of the courage it takes do something new. The more you accept yourself where you are at the more you’ll find it easier to focus on overcoming your fear.
6. Surround yourself with people who believe in you. Great people will see the great in you. Talk to your friends about your feelings and it’s likely they will share their feelings with you. Talking about your fear is good for your emotional health and deepens friendships.
PS. Don’t forget to breathe before, during and after thinking about or acting on a fear.
“Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing” ~Eleanor Rosevelt
{This post by Jena Coray, originally published on Miss Modish}
Yes, I know you know that. And I know it’s so much easier said than done. But I have been kind of terrified of many things in my life, many of which I have faced head-on and have seen how that takes the power right out of those fears.
And we all know that feeling after facing the things that scare us- it’s invigorating! We feel surprised by ourselves! Proud! Grateful! Energized!
Yet the how part is incredibly hard. Just how are we supposed to muster the get-up-and-gusto to look our fears right in the face?
That’s the opposite of what our minds want- they’re saying, “What will they think of me? What if I fail? What if I can’t handle it? Nooo, it’s scary!”
But somewhere below our always havin’ some sort of excuse, over-analyzing brains, lies our intuition.
You may feel it in your heart, you may feel it in the pit of your stomach, who knows, you may feel it in your feet! But the more we listen to the what-ifs in our heads, the further away we get from the heart-throbbing, belly-tingling intuition that KNOWS, you got this. You can do this. The place that knows what you’re capable of, and what you really want for your life.
So the HOW part of facing your fears, for me, becomes:
STEP 1: Prepare. Do the research, do the practice, get organized, have all your ducks in a row. Know it, own it, be prepared to rock it because, there’s a high likelihood that you will.
STEP 2: Envision it. Imagine yourself doing it, speaking it, creating it, facing that fear! Play the whole thing in your head how you hope it will go, from start to finish- just like an track athlete runs laps in his head before the race- envision yourself doing the thing that scares you and being a-ok.
STEP 3: Reconnect with your intuition. Once you’re prepared, it’s time to take a breath, get out of your head and back into your body where your intuition lies. Because if you can better connect with your intuition, you’ll be your own encouragement, your own source of motivation, you’ll be able to do the things that scare you because you trust yourself, you know you’re going to be okay and you know you want this for your life, scary or not.
So when the fear starts to kick in and anxiety is rising- find your breath. Find some stillness. Connect with your deep down self. Find movement. Create! Dance! Sing out loud! Go outside!
The what-ifs are always going to be there, but if you can free yourself from them just for a moment to connect back to that place of knowing, of inner trust, of faith in yourself, you’ll realize that no what-if is strong enough to hold you back from pursuing your dreams and facing whatever fears come up along the way.
“Ultimately, we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.”
- Marilyn Ferguson
