The line between self-promotion and bragging can be a tricky one to define.
A big part of the reason I wanted to discuss this topic is because there can be such a gray area between telling people about what you’ve done in an enthusiastic way and bragging or one-upping someone else- the distinction between the two is often times in the eye of the beholder. Everyone has there own interpretation of bragging v.s. self-promotion.
For me, I think I didn’t always receive the support I needed growing up and since there weren’t a lot of other people tooting my horn I relied on myself to do the tooting.
When I was younger, at times I definitely bragged. I told one of my best friends we were the best looking girls in town when I was maybe 18 years old (God, I can’t even believe I used to think like that.) My friend still reminds me of this from time to time and we both laugh at how immature, boastful and ridiculous I was then.
What changed my bragging tune? Maturity, becoming more comfortable and confident in myself and realizing as I aged that I didn’t need to convince others of who I was I just had to show them through my actions.
How do I talk about myself now? Did I become like so many women who are afraid of standing out? Am I humble? Well, maybe occasionally, but as a general rule no. I think I’m a pretty natural self-promoter and becoming better at it as I age (Wait, was that bragging? Hah!)
When I know I’m good at something and someone compliments me, I thank them and I might even say, “That’s how I roll.” I’m not a shrinking violet to flattery. I actually LOVE compliments, both giving and receiving them.
I think the world could use more authentic praise and gratitude and I try to do my part to give it.
When I have a chance to show off my skills, I take it. If I want to try something new with new people, I ask for it and tell them of my skills and experiences. I try to be someone who doesn’t need to tell others about how good I am at things unless it’s necessary for me to get the gig. Generally, I like to show people rather than talk about skills. Actions speak so much louder than words.
Behind closed doors, with my friends and family who I know and trust, I’ll still do an occasional celebratory dance move, sing a victory song and tell stories of the things I’m proud of – then I get off the “stage,” so other people have their time to shine.
Are there people who still think I’m a braggart? Oh, I’m sure there is someone somewhere who believes that of me. And here’s why: everyone comes to every story and every person with their own story and interpretation. All I can do is be true to myself and try to be respectful to others around me. I hope people get me, but how others interpret me is out of my control.
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I, on the other hand, have always felt modest about my accomplishments, perhaps because I grew up with the opposite of what Jen experienced- there was always someone to toot my horn for me so I didn’t have to- my Mom!
She tooted it to co-workers, family, teachers, grocery store checker-outers, the pharmacist, strangers- anyone who would listen got to hear all about how great my mom thought I was. It always felt braggy to me, and I didn’t like it. So I’d distance myself from it, deflect the compliments and praise, say “No, no- I’m not that great at that.” “No, no- she’s exaggerating.”
I’m getting better at accepting compliments these days, but my first inclination is still to deflect or lessen them somehow, and I think a lot of that is from worrying about other people’s perception. I don’t want to be perceived as boastful or a braggart, I don’t want to ostracize anyone by making them feel “less than” somehow. I think a lot of wanting to remain modest & humble is just not wanting to rock the boat, to try to remain like-able to everyone.
But being liked by everyone is impossible. And it gets especially tricky when it’s time to promote yourself or your business, where you’re actively trying to set yourself apart.
In a way, modesty feels inauthentic to me because it’s denying a part of your truth- the part that rocks the shit out of something and is proud of it! Modesty is not really respectful of your hard work, skills or talent.
So, ever since I started having to promote myself and my business, I’ve tried to just be honest- honest about my strengths, and my weaknesses. Honest about my knowledge, skills and natural talents. Honest about the hard-work, dedication and heart that goes into my words and work with clients.
And when you speak honestly and authentically- even about how great you are at something- it doesn’t feel like bragging, it’s just the truth. And that’s what I think effective self-promotion is- speaking your truth.
How other people perceive that truth is not up to us, as Jen mentioned above, but tooting your well-deserved horn, allowing yourself to be proud of and accept praise for your accomplishments, knowing and owning what you’re good at- that’s not bragging- that’s showing respect to yourself and all that you are.
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Where do you think the line is between self-promotion and bragging?
Do you have problems with self-promotion because of other people’s perception?
Do you err on the side of bragging, or modesty, and how has that affected your life and/or business?
Leave a comment below! Or post your thoughts on your own blog, or public facebook note, share the link in the comments and we’ll add it to this post above for everyone to check out!
i have a really hard time with self-promotion– because i always think it’s bragging, or completely unfounded. i love my work, but i rarely speak up for it. maybe it’s because i had two siblings growing up who *loved* to knock me down to size!
i’d love to read more on how to feel more confident in my good work.
Hi Emily,
I think confidence is like a muscle, the more you use it, try it on, the more developed it becomes. Try on a little extra self-promotion, lean into the discomfort of it and do it anyway. Set aside your judgement of “what will they think of me?” and do it.
We have a video coming out tomorrow that might offer you some ideas on ways to think about self-promotion and bragging. If you’re on our mailing list we’ll deliver the video right to your inbox.
In the meantime, remember this, we get one chance to live our lives the way we choose and something I ask myself regularly is, “If I found out I was dying tomorrow, how would I feel about where I’m at right now? What scares me? What am I avoiding?” And then much of the time I go and do that thing. Ask yourself how important is it for you to be a good self-promoter? If it’s really important to you, which I imagine it is, then give that to yourself even if it scares you, because no one else can or will do it for you. Sometimes a good way to start something that’s out of character is to ask yourself, “what would a good self-promoter do here?” And then do that. Lots of luck to you! – Jen
gosh. i’m so excited to see the video! i’m super excited that i stumbled onto your site yesterday and that this was the first thing that i read. you both are awesome & thank you for doing what you do!
So often we feel pride in our accomplishments, but also feel it tactless and fatheaded to express that pride, that joy, that sense of self-satisfaction. However, I imagine it’s important that we genuinely acknowledge our own worth, the things that make us worthy of life, love, respect … perhaps even awe.
Recently, I created a blog called “Brag” — a forum in which visitors may anonymously brag on their accomplishments without fear of being judged. There, folks have a chance to beam, a chance to say what’s true about themselves.
This project means a lot to me; we have to learn how to be honest with ourselves, to own our strengths as passionately as we own our screw-ups, to allow ourselves to a self-appointed pat on the back.
Just as the quote on the blog’s sidebar reads: “I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one’s self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one’s own powers.”
–-Sherlock Holmes in “The Greek Interpreter”
I hope y’all will visit.
http://goaheadandbrag.blogspot.com/
Rebecca, I LOVE this idea. I’m going to brag on there as soon as I’m done posting here. Dunno what I’ll brag about but the idea of having a platform for bragging is so liberating! Great idea!! – Jen
Good topic, ladies! I’m terrible at self promotional talk, but working on it. I know I’m good at what I do, and my clients say so too, so why can’t I feel comfortable telling total strangers how I rock as a fitness trainer/some-what crafty girl? I freely speak my mind about anything other than that that focuses on me and my business. What’s up with that?
It’s not an issue of bragging either. When I see/hear someone promote their business in a friendly, hey-my-service/product-can-help-you, I never think “braggart”. I think, “wow! I wish I could feel that comfortable promoting my business to strangers.”
Bragging just comes off as insecurity to me. If it seems insincere, pushy, or in your face, it’s a total turn off.
I like what Jen says: “the world could use more authentic praise and gratitude”. I’m really good at that. When someone compliments me on something I’m wearing that’s handmade I always say who made it and how they can get one too. Referrals go a long way, people!
Thanks for posting. It’s got me thinking. . .
Kristin, I think this is a problem that many smart, skilled, business women struggle with – you are in good company. We really wanted to get this conversation going to help people think about their own comfort level with self-promotion, because once we start to think of this as a universal issue and not a personal thing we can begin to stretch our boundaries and try on new perspectives, like increasing our self-promotion confidence. Lots of luck to you! – Jen
[...] talking the fine line between self-promotion and bragging this week- how comfortable are you to speak up for your mad [...]
Modesty as a denial of my truth–that is so real and honest. Thank you for sharing that.
But at the same time, I feel like humility is honored in certain fields–like in yoga and meditation and spiritual fields.
I agree, humility is definitely a valued aspect in those fields. But I think more in the sense of egolessness and letting go of our attachment to self and importance placed on ourselves- it’s a place to get to, strive for, not where we are right now in these fumbly human, ego-driven brains of ours.
But modesty feels different than humility, to me- it’s like knowing the truth about yourself and not acknowledging it, not speaking up for it and not reaching for your true potential- and that doesn’t seem in line with any of those fields to me.
Just another way of thinking about it. Thanks so much for sharing your opinion and thoughts, so appreciated! -jena
Thanks for replying, Jena, and sharing your thoughts on the differences between modesty and humility. I agree with you, but what would that look like in practice?
For example, in your video, the reaching out for appropriate opportunities is not modest and is promoting one’s skills. But how to do it in a humble way?
Let me know if you have any thoughts about that.
Thanks,
Bettina
Hi again! I left some comments about that over on this post here: http://www.themavencircle.com/7-tips-to-self-promote-without-feeling-braggy/ :) I think getting away from “I” language might help you, take it from feeling ego-centered. Reaching out to friends & others in your community to help toot your horn for you and speak to people about your classes. I checked out your blog and it looks fantastic! You could refer people you’re chatting with to the blog to get free yoga techniques and learn more about you so you can let it do some of the talking for you.
There are many other practical marketing things you can do to get the word out about your classes- you can offer a free/cheap community class, bring special teachers in with complementary skills/techniques, offer specials and discounts that will increase attendance, like a bring a friend to class and your next one is free, start a newsletter, do some advertising- let your marketing and actions speak for you so you don’t have to!
Keep putting all that good stuff out into the world- teaching, helping, engaging, communicating- speak for your skills by showing people what you can do. What makes you uncomfortable about speaking about your classes, specifically? Is there a way of presenting yourself you feel you “should” be doing that is somehow not aligning with your personal beliefs?
It sounds like being humble is part of who you are and how you present yourself already, so by just being you and speaking with confidence and authenticity about what you do and why you do it, people wouldn’t read “salesy” or “pushy” from that…